Wow.. I have been running around all day! Let's see if I can collect myself enough to write a coherent post.
I'm 20 weeks along now so Tuesday morning I had an ultrasound to check on the baby and also to determine its sex. Now, I've been assuming this entire time that I would be having a girl. I assumed this because 1) any time I've imagined myself as a parent, I imagined myself with a girl, 2) I had dreams where I saw/talked to my future child and she was a girl, and 3) my intuition (which had never failed me) was totally pointing to a girl.
So when the ultrasound technician said "Do you see that? Right there between the legs?" and I saw what was unmistakably a penis, I felt somewhat devastated. On the one hand, I was thrilled at the cute little face and body I was seeing on the screen. On the other hand, I had so many dreams and hopes pinned on having a girl that it was like experiencing a death.
When I *finally* got home after a ridiculous mix-up that had me waiting for my prenatal appointment for 3 hours, I had myself a good bawl. Yesterday and today I've been grieving a bit for the girl I thought I'd have. But I was also talking to my boy (since he can hear now that his ears are developed) and giving him my love. It's a huge mental adjustment for me to make, but I'm actually moving through it faster than I expected. I hung out with a friend who has a baby girl today and I didn't feel jealous or upset or sad or anything.
I'm overjoyed that my baby is healthy and growing. I love the little guy. I don't know how I couldn't. I just need to realign my dreams to reality - and get over my disappointment over how much less cute clothes for boys are versus clothes for girls.
So in April, I'll be having a baby boy. (I'm still getting used to saying that.)
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