Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Tick Tock Goes the Clock...

Image from

My fiance and I have been planning to have a baby together ever since I "asked" him to be with me by telling him I wanted to have his baby. (If you knew how I used be against reproducing, and how vocal I was about it, you would see that this represents a complete reversal of what I used to believe). He said that's what he wanted too and we've been planning on that long-term ever since. (Sweet, sweet Asperger's love! <3) But just yesterday, that want turned into a BIOLOGICAL NEED.

I got to thinking about my age. Even if I convinced Matt to knock me up RIGHT NOW, I would be 40 when our little girl is 10 (we're planning on having a girl), 50 when she's 20, 60 when she's 30. The reason that scares me so much is my parents were these generally same ages, 40 at 10, 50 at 20, etc., and they NEVER had the energy needed to take care of us. I want to be able to keep up with our daughter,

I really want to be a good father (if you're confused, remember that Matt and I are internally the opposite genders of what we look like externally)... I've gotten used to the idea of pushing a baby through my body (though it still seems weird to my inner masculinity)... And I've been working on being more patient and calm, less judging and reactive and trying to get physically fit enough to have all the energy I need to play with, teach and train a child EVERY DAY FOR EIGHTEEN YEARS.

It's so weird how badly I want this! It makes me wish I could magically make Matt change his mind and/or to follow him around with my ass in the air telling him to PUT A BABY IN MA BELLEH! I NEVER thought I would be a person in a relationship who was trying to convince the other person to make a baby. NEVER ever ever!

For most of my life I didn't ever want to have a kid, partly because I hadn't made peace with my physical femininity, partly because I was worried about becoming the kind of monster I saw as a kid and I never wanted to cause anyone that much pain, and partly because there was no one I could see wanting to share my DNA with (cause, remember, I thought for many years that I had NO CHANCE with my darling). Though it did seem a shame to waste all these sexy genes.

So, it is very surreal to be in my own body right now. For instance, Matt and I were getting it on and despite how turned on I was and how sexy Matt was being, I totally could not fully get into it because my brain kept thinking "this isn't going to end up in a baby" and that made me so sad I wanted to cry. SO NOT LIKE ME. I am going to get cranky if this starts screwing with my sex life on any sort of regular basis.


I feel as ridiculous as Debbie in the "Chickmate" episode of Sealab 2021:

(Click to see embedded video)

(Click to see embedded video)

Note: there was so much more to this post when I first wrote it. Thoughts about how my mental and physical genders intertwined in this whole baby-making situation and much more. But Blogger totally fucked with me and deleted half of it for no apparent reason. The best half of it, too. =\ Matt had read my post before this happened and he typed in approximate text as best he could from what he remembered, cause there's no way I'm able to recreate those thoughts. Some thoughts are so much of the moment that they are lost to me forever if I don't immediately capture them. So this post sucks now, which really upsets me because it was SO DAMN GOOD :'(

Related posts:
Happy Birthday to Me
Oh No You Didn't!
I Hearted Juno

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Stacey K said...

Ok - take a deep breath

maybe a few more

Now focus on what you can give a child and the joy - not what you might be missing out on if it doesn't happen NOW. I was exhausted at 22 when I had my first. I was exhausted at 32 when I had my 4th. I know parents who are young in body but old in mind who don't do anything with their kids and parents who are young in mind with older bodies - their kids can't keep up.

You will be a great parent one day. You and Matt have love which far too many parents don't have for each other, so they can't share it with their children.

May said...

Thanks, Stacey. I'm trying not to freak out too much :)

Anonymous said...

Take it from an old man, May. Don't think about 'having a baby', think about 'making love' to your mate. Many people are 'barren' when trying to have a baby, & then become pregnant when they give up & adopt. Why is this? Because the sex they share with their mate is no longer about 'having a baby', they've gone back to 'making love'. Maybe nobody else will say this to you, but women are most fertile when they've had an orgasm. Just make love, and don't worry. There is no reason to believe you won't be a good parent.

Anonymous said...
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Anonymous said...

i feel exactly the same the clock changing everything.
the internet is quite a revolution for us humans. you're cool. keep on truckin

May said...

Thanks Byron & Herbaloo for the input/support. Events have proved that my orgasm machine is indeed not broken! And there was great rejoicing! ;)