One of the reasons I've been so brain dead lately is I haven't been sleeping well. I'm worried my insomnia is coming back as it tends to in times of stress.
I had insomnia for two years (19-21 y/o) during which time if I was able to sleep at all during the night, it was for three hours and no longer.
Now, I'm only able to sleep well for three hours. The rest of the night is spent tossing and turning and falling into bits of weird dreams and then waking up from them and being totally uncomfortable, until about 5 or so I generally wake completely up, but I'm so incoherent from not sleeping well that I can only lie about in bed, trying to force myself back to sleep.
I don't know about you, but without many hours of good sleep every night, I am a pretty low-functioning person.
Every day now around 4:30 PM I am completely ready for bed. I can force myself to stay awake until 8:30 or 9 and sometimes later, but normally at that point I'm so exhausted that I drop into the three hours of restful sleep I'll actually get... then wake up at 11:30 or midnight to begin the long hours of restless weird dream sequence sleep. By 5:30 AM, I've lost the ability to even partially sleep and my mind is 100% awake though my body feels even more tired and achey than it did when I went to bed, which sometimes makes me cry with frustration.
The last time this problem raised its head was when I was in graduate school with no friends in the area, a husband who'd made it clear he wasn't in love with me or even very interested in me, working on my final project and freaking out about employment post-grad school. Since I knew myself well enough to know I wasn't going to be able to function without sleep, I went ahead and started taking sleeping pills. OTC ones and half a pill was enough to let me sleep a full night, so that worked out pretty well.
But now, sleeping pills don't seem like an option, because I'm avoiding all non-necessary purchases since I have much bigger things to put my $ towards, since the rent's still not paid [tho our landlords were nice enough to waive our late fee this month, so that's an extra $70 or so I don't have to worry about] and I have 3 student loans [and a credit card bill] to pay unless *fingers crossed* my deferment paperwork goes through before the due dates, which are zooming up really quickly. Oh, and you know, I also like to eat as well. Groceries don't buy themselves!
Really hoping that unemployment money comes through sooner rather than later already.
I have to say, I hate thinking about numbers and budgets. It is very unpleasant physically. It's like poking my brain with a sharp stick. I'm not kidding. It literally hurts. I miss being employed largely for how little I had to worry about paying my bills and therefore how little I had to deal with freaking numbers.
Because otherwise, not having to do anything except what I choose to do, would be an absolute treat.
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