Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Buddha, Bisexuality and Betrayal

I follow TinyBuddha on Twitter who tweeted this the other day:
Just one of those things I've experienced so deeply I just nodded to myself and then couldn't stop thinking about it (hence this post). I always assume everyone has experienced betrayal from a friend on some level or another, but there is this one woman who used to be my friend that completely changed the meaning of that word for me.

In fact, she's the woman I had my first lesbian sex experience with. This was when I was living in Erie, PA, going to college up there. I had made out with women in Kansas City, but it wasn't until I was bored and sitting around in my first apartment up in Erie, waiting the week or so until classes started, that I realized "Hey! I'm bi!"

After classes started, I began hanging out at a location on campus we called "the balcony," because it was the balcony overlooking the general building where the good food place was. This is the abode (still! I checked when I went back) of the Super Dorks of Behrend (btw, I always call it Behrend, even though its real name is Penn State Behrend, The Erie College. See why I shorten that shit?). Most of the geeks I met and made friends with hung out there, including this girl, Kiyle.

Our encounter occurred after I was dating the guy I would eventually (stupidly) marry, but that didn't bother any of us and, now that I think about it, that was when I first dipped my toe in the waters of polyamory. Anyhoo, he and I, Kiyle and another mutual male friend of ours were all at her apartment, where we were planning to make an evening of it with booze and movie watching. Due to poor planning, we ran out of booze midway through Lilo and Stitch and sent the boys out for more.

We each knew what the others' intentions were the way that happens sometimes and the next thing I know, I'm in nothing but my panties, straddling her as we make out. The boys came back and after lurking and looking through the window for a while, they came back in as I scuttled to the bathroom to put my clothes back on. Later that evening, we made use of her bed and I became a card-carrying member of Fans of Lesbian Sex. While this wasn't our only sexual encounter, there weren't many after, mostly because I was still shy about lezzie sex and my bisexuality but also because I liked Kiyle, but didn't want a relationship with her.

We remained friends and when my guy and I started renting a house from his uncle, she moved in with us to help alleviate the cost (plus I just like living in situations where there are other people around since I'm from such a freaking huge family it just seems more normal to me). Eventually, she also started dating a guy, who also moved in and they made themselves cozy in the basement. Being my housemate, Kiyle became very connected with the people in my life there, including my eventual-husband's family.

So when it became clear that we (at the time) were planning to move out after I finished college, she began a campaign to win over the his family in order to keep renting the house. This was a rather far-fetched plan, considering the uncle had made it clear that the house was for family renters only and my eventual sister-in-law was getting closer and closer to moving out of her parents. But none of that deterred her and she began an unrelenting quest to destroy my reputation with my husband's family that also spilled over into our school friends.

I have no idea how or why she thought this was something that made sense, but this was her plan. She began making up shit about the condition of the house and blaming it on me, not to mention lies about my cheating on my husband and god knows what else. Telling all this to my sister-in-law, who has a big mouth, led to everyone in the family hearing them and causing all sorts of bad feeling. My sister-in-law started hating me and I lost one of the few close female friends I had in Erie (at the time of my wedding, for instance, we were so close that she was the one who helped me get ready, not either of my 2 sisters). Many school friends stopped dropping in for visits, casual acquaintances started hating me for no reason and my whole life in Erie started sucking hard. All because of one insincere friend.

Because of that, I've become incredibly picky about my friends (and my lady lovers), which still hasn't removed all insincerity from my relationships, but it certainly has minimized it. The worst result of it, which I guess would be what the Buddha called the wound in the mind, is that now I consider women in general to be overwhelmingly insincere and untrustworthy. I really dislike that about myself, but, you know, once burnt, twice shy. And that's certainly true for me.

Related posts:
Sex, Lies and Buddha
Gunning for the Buddha
On the Death of Polaroids (and My Love Life)

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Jessica said...

My dearest May,
I completely understand how you feel, as I too have this relenting bag of garbage that I carry around from old "friends" that betrayed me, hurt me, got close to me only to figure out any weaknesses that I had (like everyone has) and use them against me to make themselves look better than I was, and many other things that were just wrong on one level or another. I guess this is where I am in my life right now, trying to figure out who is true and who is not. I am also finding out that men can be just as duplicitous (http://www.answers.com/topic/duplicitous) as women can be. The difference is that men usually want to put their energy into mechanical things and women want to put their energy into things that involve people. You and I are good positive people in the world, and we want justice, fairness and all the like, whereas women who betray their "friends" are more negatively charged and have to exert their negative energy into their relationships. In the end, those negative people are the losers, because you and I eventually realize the importance of finding people who are positive like us and leave those "negative-Nancy's" in the dust. We win because we move on and get better and happier, they are left behind feeling worse than when they started. This seems to be the best way to describe it.

Anyway, if you would have done anything different in life when you were in that situation, we might have never met. I am so glad that even through the bad times, something absolutely wonderful comes out of them.

I love you sweetheart! XOXOXOXO

Eric said...

It's all a rich tapestry. I knew about half of this, but this helps me piece together the rest. To tell you the truth she always weirded me out anyway. Still does. Anyway, I'm glad I one of the (apparently few) people who still came around from "the balcony".

Great post!

Xavier Onassis said...

Once someone betrays my trust, they never get it back. I've tried, but it just never happens.

But it is just the individual that I refuse to trust. Not the gender or the ethnicity or the social caste.

My deepest and most hurtful betrayals have come from women I loved and trusted.

Yet to this day, my closest friends and confidants are women. Most of them former girlfriends and 1 ex-wife.

Stacey K said...

I'm with XO - betray me once, shame on you, betray me twice...nah, ain't gonna happen 'cause I won't let you close again.

I also agree that women tend to be way worse about it than men.

I always manage to attract crazy people. Normal one day, turn on you the next. Mostly women, a couple of gay men, one straight man that I can think of.

I'm lucky right now I have two female friends. My best friend who I have known for 22 years. She lives in AR, which is probably why we are still close. My other friend I have known for about 11 years. She's the only person I have ever met who is who she is all the time. She never puts on an act of any type. How many of us can say that?

a couple more posts about lesbian experiences and I think Tony will start stalking you.

Midtown Miscreant said...

To quote Andy Griffith, you can't shoot the whole litter on account of one pup havin fleas. (How often do you hear Mayberry quotes?). Maybe it isn't that you are less trusting, but more carefull about who you trust. Nothing wrong with that, it just makes you smart and not a green kid in college. In the end, as long as you are good with you, thats what really matters. You consistantly lay it out there on this blog, so a few bad experiences from the past haven't dettered you from being you, in the end thats what matters. Plus, who doesn't like a good lesbian story.

May said...

This experience certainly hasn't stopped me from trusting people, but I am much more picky about who I'll even be friends with, let alone trust. But it does affect me very often when I am judging whether a possible friend is worth investing in or not.

Joe Pontillo said...

Good story, very well told. Sorry it took me so long to get caught up on it.

By the way, everybody calls it Behrend. I don't even know what that word means.

JOCOeveryman said...

I really like this post and the quote. Being Christian I probably don't look for wisdom in other places enough. That is a really good one. Thanks for putting it up for us to read. You are quickly becoming one of my favorites.


May said...

Aww! Thank you :)