Living with Emotional Blackmail
My friend Gena recently suggested I read Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You and it was like reading a freaking treatise on my family. My parents have always labeled me "the bad child" because it took them 3 years of my life to break my spirit enough to play their games.
That memory is actually the first one I have with my parents in it. I remember it clear as a bell. I was being dragged into their bedroom, kicking and screaming because they were going to punish me for something that I didn't do, again. I just wasn't having it. I wouldn't let them spank me. So my dad and my mom pushed me face down on their bed and my dad sat on my head and chest while my mom whaled away on my ass like there was no tomorrow. I remember the fear and panic seizing me as I couldn't breathe and my panicked struggling quickly went from being a statement to being a struggle for life. I wasn't sure they would let me up for air before I died and in that moment I decided that being alive was more important than anything else. I caved then and there.
My parents, in one of the only two stories they told about my childhood, claim that I was "saved" (by Jesus) at the age of 3 because I started behaving. I have always known better. I was "saved" by giving in to their game, or so I thought.
When I finally started trying to work through all of the mind-warping crap they do to me (aka emotional blackmail), I was 19 and it gave me terrible episodes of panic attacks where I only felt safe if I was hiding somewhere while I hyperventilated. This was also when I started cutting myself because I was dealing with so many emotions that I didn't know how to express them any other way.
It took me 5 years of living out-of-state in order for me to realize how I need to deal with them, because they still want to label me "the bad one" and they still refuse to see the real me beyond their own prejudices. They still want to control everything I think and feel and they still treat me like I am worthless. They still get my sisters to gang up on me about playing their games and I am absolutely sick of it. That's why I don't talk to them anymore. There's no way to allow these people in my life WITHOUT playing their blackmailing game and since I refuse to play the game, I must refuse to have contact with them.
It really kills me to do so because despite everything I love them with all my heart. I know it doesn't make any sense really, but they are a part of me and loving myself just means loving them too. "Blood tells" and all that crap. I cry sometimes because all I want is to help them be happy and to love them, but they won't let me. In fact, they really won't let anyone help them be happy. They refuse to acknowledge so much about their selves, their lives and the world that they're living these horrible half-lives, friendless and self-loathing locked away in their house, safe from the "evil" world around them. It breaks my heart.
Related posts:
Becoming a Mysterious Lady
Now and Then
My Trip Out of Republican Wonderland
In Defense of Internet Memes and Personality Quizzes
Like what you see? Subscribe here or add to Mixx
7 comments:
Out around Moab, Utah is a place called Arches National Park. What would otherwise be just a boring bunch of sandstone is carved into natural bridges, arches and incredible spires. It's one of my favorite places. All of that unique beauty was created by years of abrasiveness from sand filled winds and torrential flooding.
Just sayin'.
May, I found you through Mixx, and I have to say I really enjoy your posts. I maintain several more niched blogs for business (I'm a writer/copywriter/SEO guy), but I recently started a completely personal site and hope that someday I can achieve the level of rawness and sincerity you share.
On topic:
Thank you for this post. I grew up in southern Texas and had a very abusive childhood that has led to me becoming completely estranged from mother and her entire side of the family. It often hurts to have no connection with the people who raised me and the environment of my youth, but it becomes an issue of "I'm full up on crazy here, can't afford to take on any extra".
Keep up the good work. I'll be reading.
Good post.
Whatever my problems with my family, my mom saved all the emotional blackmail for my brother. He didn't survive as well as you but I hope one day he will reach the point where he says enough is enough.
For a long time, I thought I was the only one that had these sorta problems. Despite having made it through college and being 'successful' in the eyes of many, my biological parents still see me as a black sheep in the family.
I don't know why this is so common with "Christian" parents. Something about fundamentalism in general feeds this sort of thing.
Still, like XO hinted at, I don't really think I'd be as strong or kind or thoughtful if it wasn't for their bullshit. They showed me what not to do, and helped me learn how to be a strong person.
Still, that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.
Stay strong.
Wow, thanks for sharing. I'm quite grateful, looking back, that my parents weren't fundie nut-cases.
Maybe one day they'll realize what harm they did to you, until then keep your chin up and know that you can handle just about anything.
I also had many times in my life where I was "forced" into the fundamentals my family chose for me. I honestly think that some people take their convictions/beliefs way over the top, and it seems as though your parents are how my parents use to be. The only downfall of my parents not being that way anymore is that they kinda went too far in the other direction. I was damned if I did or if I didn't. I am definately a stronger person because of all the bullshit though. I am still working on becoming more open about the real me, and I like the journey. See you later sweetie.
this has been the greatest post that I've never read, because it happen many times and it continues happening every time, maybe like jesssica said, it make us stronger, and help us to understand that the life is not so easy.
Post a Comment