Tuesday, August 26, 2008

For Once, Happy Birthday

On September 14th I will be 27 years old. Birthdays have normally been very depressing for me; it's hard to really celebrate when you know your mom didn't want to have you, you're living in an abusive atmosphere, and you feel like no one knows you. This is the part where I admit that I've been depressed and suicidal for most of my life. I first wanted to kill myself when I was 8 (my plan was to shove a kitchen knife under my ribs but I never was able to go through with it) and I've been a cutter since my late teens. I attempted suicide twice in my early twenties, both of which were foiled by the man I was dating at the time. Basically, I've been a very sad person most of my life and birthdays were focal points for my misery for a variety of reasons.

I still struggle with depression, but it doesn't overpower everything else in my life as it once did. It's more of an occasional visitor who shows up when no one else is around. Being with Matt, getting out of school (FINALLY!) and into a real job, getting into shape, working on being nicer to myself and not expecting perfection, getting control of my debt, being strong enough to cut ties to people who drag me down... all these things have made a huge difference in my state of mind and emotional well being. So I'm completely jazzed to look forward to a birthday where I am going to be happy for a change. No more spending the day crying on the floor of the bathroom, causing harm to myself, or silently dying on the inside.

It only took me 27 years to get here, but better late than never.

Related posts:
Becoming a Mysterious Lady
On the Death of Polaroids (And My Love Life)


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7 comments:

Xavier Onassis said...

Congratulations on your personal growth and Happy Upcoming Birthday!

Mine is on September 16th and I am just one year shy of being exactly twice as old as you.

Now I'm depressed. Thanks! :)

In closing, I'll tell you what I tell evveryone who suffers from chronic depression...

"Cheer the fuck up!"

There. See? Problem solved. Because I'm just awesome like that.

Tony said...

Awesome post.

And happy birthday!!!

May said...

Xavier - I am cheering the fuck up :P
Also, better to be twice as old than twice as boring, right? I don't know... I don't get people who complain about getting old. I'm looking forward to being older and less stupid.

Tony - Thanks!

DLC said...

To get this shit largely figured out at age 27 is actually quite a feat, one you should be really proud of.

May said...

Thanks, DLC! That's the way I try to look at it, too.

meesha.v said...

Happy Birthday!
Now I can go write something about your other post.:-)

Spyder said...

Sorry I'm late for your Birthday. I hope it was great. I'm trying to get caught up on my blog reading from this summer when I was gone so much. It wasn't until I was 42 that I figured out some of my issues. For me sometimes they don't go away but knowing what they are & the root of it helps tremendously. Hang in there.