Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Ninjas Are After Me

I swear on his noodley appendage, poison ivy ninjas are out to get me!

And no, I'm not crazy. I'm simply deducing the only logical conclusion from the facts as they present themselves. Let me tell you what I mean: Every year, no matter what, it seems the divine will of the Universe that I am afflicted with a rash of poison ivy. Now, when I was a kid, this made sense, because I was always running amok in the woods and I had no idea what poison ivy looks like... so I'd end up with a rash on my leg, food, hand or all over my back if I was super unlucky like that one summer (shudder).

But the past 6 years, I've been living in cities and barely making it out into nature (especially when I was in school and did nothing but work and study) and yet I still manage to end up with a small, mysterious rash of goddamned poison ivy! Yesterday, I noticed that the right side of my jaw was itchy. So I scratched it, then I realized it was bumpy too and I rushed to the bathroom to confirm my suspicions. And, yes, I have poison ivy yet again! So not fair! I haven't been around it, I've barely been off the sidewalk! The only possible explanation is that someone has been infecting me in my sleep. And who else could do something like that, except a ninja?

Just imagine: poison ivy ninjas all twitchy with the itches they can't scratch climbing up to the 3rd floor and sneaking in the open window. The cat raises his haunches and backs away as he feels an evil presence in the room, and a dark shadow falls across me. I feel a tickle on my chin as the dratted plant is swept across it, and then he's suddenly gone. And I've got poison ivy on my chin.

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